The Art of Napping: The Best Places to Doze Off on BU Campus

Life in college is a stressful time. Between papers, problems sets, and lab reports you often have put aside enough worktime to make you reconsider whether having a social life is actually feasible. If you're anything like me, however, you don't let that get in the way of your favorite activity: dicking around on the internet. So after hours of looking up videos of cats playing the keyboard, you get to midnight and still nothing's written. Oh shit, another late night, huh? Well, I guess it's time to take the bullet, bullshit some answers, and settle for the fact that coffee or not, tomorrow is going to be miserable.

Well, it doesn't have to be that way. Like every good game, the game of life provides you with a cheat code to overcome a lack of sleep: the power-nap. Now, some people confuse napping with actual sleep but the two are actually quite different. Napping is more like the SparkNotes of sleeping: you get most of the effect without putting in nearly the same amount of time. Instead of actually falling asleep for what could be hours, you instead enter a transient state somewhere in between total wakefulness and blissful unconsciousness.

Now the reason I'm such an advocator for the power nap is simply this: it works. There have been plenty of times when I've stayed up late trying to piece together a lab report that's not a complete piece of shit only to have 9 am class the next day. So, in the inevitable point the next day when I start to feel miserable, I just go straight to one of my favorite spots, fashion a pillow out of whatever I can find, and take off my shoes to create an impenetrable "Do-Not-Disturb" sock smell barrier. And then, an hour or two later I feel like I just had a good night's sleep. It's like 5-Hour Energy for $3.50 cheaper and without the stomach acid problems.

The main key to a successful nap is to make sure you're comfortable. If you can get to the point where you don't give a fuck that other people are watching you try to sleep, then you're already ahead of the game. Next, you need to isolate yourself from your surroundings. I personally always have my iPod plugged in when I snooze in public. The key, however, is to find the right type of music. You don't want to listen to something you actually like as that's just going to get you pumped up. Air guitaring to Iron Man in the middle of the PAL Study Lounge has its place in life, but this is not the time. Conversely, you don't want to listen to something you think is completely shitty either, so Jack Johnson and country music are out. Just try to find something neutral you can fall asleep to. If all else fails, Dark Side of the Moon is the easy way out to this situation.

The last and most important point: location, location, location. Research has shown you can't nap in your bed. That's sleeping. Go ahead and take a nap at 7 pm, intending to wake up to finish your paper, and you're still going to somehow miss your morning class. The key to a good nap is finding a place that's unfamiliar yet comfortable (but not TOO comfortable!). I'm going to save you the trouble and just tell you my favorite places to nap on campus, although using them when I want to gives me full rights to drawing on your face with a Sharpie and, if no one is around and no sexual lawsuits are apparent, possible teabagging. So, with full caution, here are the places on campus I've napped:

The Third Floor Study Room of the Metcalf Science Center

By far the best place to take a nap right before that evening discussion your asshole TA scheduled. While the study rooms on the first and second floor are full of wayward freshmen and nosy Bio students, this room is a blissful little enclave in a building full of sorrow. It is usually mostly empty and you're probably not going to try to date whoever's nerdy enough to study here, so who cares if they see you bellydown with your ass pointing upwards. Couches are of medium comfort and not quite enough length but you can just pull up a chair to rest your feet on and make a hybrid megacouch perfect for passing out.

Pros: If you aren't getting enough sleep, then you're probably a science major so you are in this building anyway. Relative seclusion is key as well.

Cons: Was going to go nap there right now but BU decided to perform some unnecessary construction in the building. So, judging by recent rates this room is most likely unavailable until 2014.

The Basement of the Library

This place is by no means a secret. There is a bunch of couches that are pretty much made for napping. If you come here to actually do work, you are taking up some prime real estate so get the fuck out. Unfortunately for the more highly self-conscious, there is a large amount of tables on the other side of the room so you do run the risk of someone you know actually seeing you or worse, waking you up.

Pros: Couches are of the extended size so no effort necessary: just prop yourself down and do your thing. I usually prop open a notebook next to me to make it look like I was actually doing work. Makes for a good blanket too.

Cons: The lights....the goddamn motherfucking lights! Seriously BU, you're serious about this sustainability thing why not lower the brightness a little so we can nap. This room needs to be a designate candle-light only area.

The Room Outside the Dean's Office in the GSU

Here's a place where I've never had trouble finding a place to sleep. It's located on the third floor of the student union and has a bunch of tables for studying and plenty of couches and loveseats for....studying too I guess? Not for me though, as those couches are some of the most comfortable on campus. It's impossible to not feel fully rested after a slumber session on one of these beauties.

Pros: Comfortable seating and the fact that you can get up and get food at any point you want.

Cons: The feeling you get when the Dean of Students is inevitably judging you as he walks past you. If you're bothered by people in charge of your academic record seeing you in this state, I would reccomend using this area after 5 pm only.

Floor of the 1st Floor Stuvi II Study Rooms

There is absolutely nothing good about this place - it only makes the list because it's about the only goddamn place open after 2 am that you don't have to sign in to. Seriously BU, us off-campus students are people too. And yes I, in those really desperate times when you have to pull off an all-nighter I have actually tried to nap here.

Pros: Usually there is no one else in the room to judge how pathetic you are.

Cons: Fuck you BU.

Middle of the Tracks of the Blandford Street T-Stop

Okay, I've never actually reached quite this low but I figure it would be fun to live like a hobo for a day. One of those things you put on your "Things to do before you graduate" lists.

Pros: Chance of death decreases dramatically between 1-5 am.

Cons: None come to mind right now, I will try to find out and tell you.

So there you go. Words of wisdom from my mouth to your ears (or eyes I guess). And yes, I did write this immediately after taking another nap.

Your Guide to the 2010-11 Devils: Part 2

Okay so let’s get this out of the way, I haven’t been updating this blog at all. I’ve just been too depressed. If you’ve been under a rock lately and need news for the Yankees – well let’s just say I don’t need this playoff beard anymore. And the Devils? All they’ve done is gone 2-6-1 and exhibited some absolutely dreadful performances that has made me turn off the stream after just one period. So, since they’re my only remaining hope for the sports season, I’m going to go ahead and finish writing part 2 of the Devils season preview.

New Jersey's efforts to dominate the Eastern Conference has faced unexpected resistance.

In Part 1, I highlighted the forwards of the team. I must admit it was hard to write since a large quantity of them are highly talented players. Sure it’s easy to make fun of guys like David Clarkson and Brian Rolston (hint: they suck) but writing up something funny about Parise, Elias, or Kovalchul? Pretty damn hard. You need shitty players to write funny things about them.

This week, I will have no such troubles.

Without further adieu, here is the team preview for the Devils’ defensemen, goalkeepers, and coaching/managing staff:

Defense

Andy Greene: Armed with the poise and elegance that only a man balding at age 27 may possess, Andy Greene is one of the most important parts of the team. As one of the Devils’ only defensemen that does not handle the puck like a live hand grenade, the Greene Monster is counted on to provide accurate breakout passes and quarterback the team’s powerplay. Currently only making $750k a year, Greene will look to earn a monster contract for next year and finally get that much needed Rogaine prescription.

Anton Volchenkov: The closest thing you will find to Ivan Drago of the Rocky movies, Volchenkov is not someone you want to meet in a dimly lit alleyway. A willingness to throw his body in front of every shot has already earned him his first souvenir of the season. Armed with an immense mean streak and only a basic understanding of how the English language works, the A-Train can crush you into submission with one shoulder check. Just don’t expect him to know what to do when he gets that black round thing on his stick.

Colin White: Once upon a time, Colin White was a reliable stay-at-home defenseman who took no crap from opponents. Then he took a puck to his right eye and gained the sense and vision of a Cyclops. Literally. White is still an effective player, or as effective as you can be seeing only to the left of you. Can White successfully combat his reverse-Zoolander syndrome and regain his dependable status? The Devils sure hope so.

Henrik Tallinder: Although Tallinder doesn’t provide much offense either, he does get bonus points for actually being able to skate out of the neutral zone. His long reach and admittedly creepy stare compliment a steady defensive game that has unfortunately not been present so far this year. Only 3 years and 10 million left on this contract!

Matt Taormina: Taormina has been a surprise addition to the team, making it as one of the last cuts out of training camp. What General Tao provides to this team is not deep fried poultry, but rather another offensive threat. That a rookie defenseman is tied for second in goals on the team is pretty indicative of how this season is going so far.

Alexander Urbom: Urbom has come in as perhaps the most promising rookie on the blueline. He packs a powerful punch and has shown decent offensive skills as well. Having that Nordic douchebag look on his face probably doesn’t hurt with the ladies after games as well. The biggest adjustment question of the year: With fellow Swedes Mattias Tedenby and Jacob Josefson in the minors, who will Urbom wander Manhattan with and take very metrosexual looking pictures?

NOTE: Since the original writing of this part, Urbom has been sent to the minors in favor of Olivier Magnan-Grenier, whose biggest asset is the fact that his initials are OMG.

Bryce Salvador: FOR SALE: capable defensive defenseman on a team flooded with them. Has toughness and willingness to fight, but $2.5 salary cap hit makes him obsolete. Will probably score a goal every other season. Is part-black, so he can meet your team’s affirmative action quotas. Inquire within to get this player on a discount deal. Location: Newark, NJ. It is not okay to contact this seller with services or other commercial interests, except those involving Brian Rolston.

Mark Fraser: Mark Fraser is not a very good hockey player.

Goalkeepers

Martin Brodeur: The NHL’s all-time leader in wins, shutouts, and games played has quite the pedigree. A ten-time All Star, four time Vezina Winner, and three time Stanley Cup champion, Marty’s credentials have earned him quite the paycheck. Too often that paycheck has been used to sample Newark’s finest bars and grills after the game. These days, the only thing expanding faster than Brodeur’s win total is his gut. Then again, don’t you want your goalie to be fat anyway?

Johan Hedberg: This guy probably has the easiest job in the world. As the backup goalie, he gets paid $1.5 million a year and only needs to work four or five times a year. Screw raising taxes, I think the best way to reduce our national deficit is to go after guys like him. By the end of the year, expect Hedberg to become fantastic at opening the bench door and shouting encouraging words at his teammates.

Coaching/Management

John MacLean: The newly appointed head coach, MacLean is already on the hot seat after the team’s poor start. Will MC Lean find the right mix for his player or will he succumb to the bingo-ball style line combinations that his predecessor, Jacques Lemaire, used? If the Devils’ season is to turn around, much will depend on how this young mixologist works his magic.

Lou Lamoriello: The best for last. This guy is the Godfather of the NHL. The general manager of the Devils engineered the Kovalchuk contract which, although hasn’t been the greatest so far, laughs at the NHL’s salary cap. When the team was in cap hell early this year, who goes on the disabled list? Replaceable parts Brian Rolston and Bryce Salvador of course, giving the team valuable cap relief. Many will question whether at 68 years old he’s still got it. I just wouldn’t say that to his face, you might end up floating in the Hudson River.

Shock and Awe

Sometimes no captions are necessary.

Yankees mess with Texas by making comeback from down 5-0 to take huge 1-0 series lead. No word if a stimulus package will arrive for the Rangers in time for game 2.

The Fist Pump

It is alive and well.

The Devils finally wake up from their early-season slumber to post their first victory of the year, a 1-0 overtime win over Buffalo. Important contributors include:

Ilya Kovalchuk: Insane snipe on the game winning goal followed by a Mortal Kombat-esque celebration.

Marty Brodeur: Career shutout #111. Important saves late in the third set up the winner in OT.

Brian Rolston: Makes biggest contribution to the team yet by going on injury reserve, freeing up 5 million dollars in valuable cap space.

Note: Credit to Nick Pappagiorgio of HFBoards for the GIF at the beginning of this post.

ALCS - Yankees vs Rangers: An Objective Analysis

"You know the rules, no kissing until the World Series."

After the conclusion of last night's game 5 of the Texas Rangers vs Tampa Bay Rays, the teams have finally been set for the next round. The Yankees will face Texas in a best-of-seven to determine who will represent the American League in the World Series. On paper, it looks like a mismatch of a wealthy veteran New York squad against the young and inexperienced Rangers. After looking at the matchups more closely, however, one can see that the teams are strikingly alike. With extensive research, I have detailed a few key points showing how these two teams compare:

Texas Rangers: Due to deferred payments in the mega-deal Alex Rodriguez signed with them in 2001 before being traded to the Yankees, are still paying tens of millions to a player who will be helping the opposing team every time he is on the field.
New York Yankees: AJ Burnett.

New York Yankees: Even with outrageous ticket prices, sell out most games without problem.
Texas Rangers: Even with slightly less outrageous ticket prices, sell out most games….as long as there isn’t a football game happening somewhere in the state of Texas or anything.

Texas Rangers: Made team history in 2010 by winning a playoff round for the first time ever.
New York Yankees: Made team history in 2010 by winning a playoff round against the Minnesota Twins for the first time in a year.

New York Yankees: Have, at the top of the rotation, an ace that consistently wins games and will be a fixture in the Yankees staff for years to come and probably get his number retired in Monument Park one day.
Texas Rangers: Same.

Texas Rangers: On game days, $50 can get you a beer, hot dog, and a decent seat in the stadium.
New York Yankees: On game days, $50 can get you a beer, hot dog, and a decent seat in the Hard Rock Café outside the stadium.

New York Yankees: Star slugger Alex Rodriguez’ lips often appear purple due to the cold weather, not lipstick of course.
Texas Rangers: Star slugger Josh Hamilton’s lips often appear white due to baseball powder, not cocaine of course.

Texas Rangers: Closer Naftali Feliz throws balls that have been described as ‘untouchable’ by various baseball analysts.
New York Yankees: Catcher Jorge Posada catches balls that have been described as ‘untouchable’ by anyone who has heard of his pregame routines.

New York Yankees: The team’s rookies look up to leader Derek Jeter and his many performances in the clutch evidenced by his 5 championship rings and one World Series MVP Award.
Texas Rangers: The team’s rookies look up to leader Michael Young and his many performances in the clutch as evidenced by that All-Star Game MVP award he won back in 2006.

Texas Rangers: Guy in cowboy suit and stirrups giving high fives is actually the team mascot, named Rangers Captain.
New York Yankees: Guy in cowboy suit and stirrups giving high fives is most likely not affiliated with the team in any way, so you should probably find another men’s room to use.

Note: I have to give credit to the all-around awesome blog Down Goes Brown due to the fact I have extensively stolen been influenced by his writing style.

Your Guide to the 2010-11 Devils: Part 1

Patrik, we appreciate your creative efforts on defense but perhaps just try stick checking the guy next time?

With the NHL season finally underway, I feel it is as my duty to educate the public about my favorite sport. If you aren’t one of the approximately 15 people that can find Versus on your cable guide, you probably don’t have any experience watching professional hockey. Have no fear, I’m here with a comprehensive preview of the only team you should care about: the New Jersey Devils.

As a start, it’s important to recognize a Devils fan when you see one. If you meet a person that acts like the man in this following video, there’s an above average chance he lives for the red & black.

Now, for the team preview. Part I will focus on the team’s forwards.

Zach Parise: New Jersey's most eligible bachelor, Parise spends many a post-game waving away girls looking for autographs in questionable areas. Parise is also about to get paid; really paid. One of the leagues best scorers from close to the net, Parise is going to be a restricted free agent and one wonders what kind of shenanigans the Devils have to pull to keep him in Newark. Otherwise, he might be playing across the Hudson for the Rangers. He's got that twinkle in his eye, you see.

Travis Zajac: The other half of New Jersey’s Ambiguously Gay Duo, Zajac is rarely seen on a line without his best buddy Parise. As one of the league’s best two-way players, Zajac is often counted on to shut down opponents’ top scorers while providing offense himself. Only 25 years old, he's an indispensable part of the Devils and can apparently be traded for your team’s third-liner and fourth round pick, according to your average message board poster.

Ilya Kovalchuk: After a summer of trial and tribulation, the Russian superstar can finally call New Jersey his home for sure. Kovalchuk can finally realize his dream of buying a small island nation after his crazy 15 year, 100 million dollar contract was finally approved by the NHL in early September. It will be interesting to see how Kovy’s teammates react to the usual consequences of adding a bona-fide Russian star to the locker room: less ice-time, a higher foreign media presence, and an infinite increase in the amount of t.A.t.U. being played on the stereo.

Jamie Langenbrunner: The Devils’ captain, and resident ornery grandpa has been a staple on one of the team's scoring lines for years. Although he has earned himself the nickname 'Captain Hook,' parents of young boys can rest easy: it comes from the nightly hooking penalty he gets called for and not for any unwanted advances. When not barking at refs or teammates, Ol' Crankypants can often be seen sitting on the bench generally looking pissed off.

Jason Arnott: After ten years away from the Devils, Arnott returns to the team for one last hurrah. A former member of the fames A-Line along with Patrik Elias and Petr Sykora, Arnott comes back to create the "A-Line 2.0: Electric Boogaloo." Counted on for second-line scoring and general roughhousing, Arnott will look to recreate his glory years and party like it's '99.

Patrik Elias: Every year, the NHL feels the threat of losing players to upstart European League. Russia's Kontinental Hockey League (yes it is with a K) often tries to lure star players to a bigger, tax-free payday across the pond. Patrik Elias will not be one of those players. After playing there during the last lockout, Elias somehow got hepatitis from eating their shitty (pardon the pun) food. When he's not getting diseases from poorly prepared meals, Elias has been a steady contributor for the Devils - dressing full time for 12 straight seasons.

Dainius Zubrus: Your typical grinder; this player works hard, finishes his checks, plays good defense, and can pitch in the odd goal. At the end of the year will get you about 40 points and a lot of versatility. If you went to the grocery store and saw a can that was labeled “typical North American hockey player,” in that can would be someone by the name of…Dainius Zubrus? I’m pretty sure his real name is John Smith but he changed it to something more European sounding for a better chance to make this roster. It worked.

Brian Rolston: Brian Rolston drives a Bentley. His slapshot can be described as a cannon, both in power and accuracy. If the league gave out points for shots that hit the glass, the #12 would be instantly retired by every team in the league. He’s about as soft as they come and often goes invisible for games upon end. And he provides all this for only 5 million a year! I would continue with this description, but I would like to keep this blog family friendly.

David Clarkson: Affectionally referred to by fans as ‘Clarktard,’ Clarkson still hasn't figured out that the wraparound is a move that generally stops working sometime soon after pee-wee hockey. Every September, there are three sights that generally show it’s finally hockey season: skates being sharpened, sticks being taped, and Clarkson falling down on the ice with no one around him. Despite this, he’s about the only member of the team with any sandpaper in his game and will generally handle most fights, whether he gets his ass kicked or not.

Pierre-Luc Letorneau-Leblond: To the delight of odd jersey enthusiasts and the horror of equipment managers leaguewide, “PL3” broke through in the league in 2009 as a fighter. His parents, clearly huge fans of the hyphen, may have been disappointed to see his mighty last named shortened on the back of his jersey to merely “Leblond.” If you play in a bizarro fantasy league that punishes scoring and rewards penalty minutes, this player is your guy.

Yankees Pitching Leaves Fenway Abused Yet Again

Dustin Moseley: Well OBVIOUSLY we have a rapist in Fenway Park so you better hide your Hughes, hide your Joba, and hide AJ Burnett because they rapin' errbody up here.

Another game started by someone not named CC Sabathia, another putrid pitching performance. Today it was journeyman/future Red Sox reliever Dustin Moseley that got chased out of the game by the opposition in what has been a trend during the second half.

So I'm using my first ever blog post to write the eulogy of the 2010 Yankees. It's over. There's no hope. The sky is falling and we're out of meteorite-resistant umbrellas. Will I watch the playoffs? Of course I will, what am i going to do, study? I'll still be sitting there in the library with my face glued to my stream putting off that Linear Algebra and Biochem homework that will probably show up on a test one day.

But as for having some kind of hope of them winning? Hell naw. This isn't 2009 anymore: the magic of the walk-off pie is gone, AJ Burnett's electric stuff has been grounded, and Derek Jeter has brought his love of the DP outside of the bedroom - grounding into a double play in seemingly every important situation. And by losing the division, the Yanks can't pick the long ALDS either - forcing them to use a 4 man rotation and not 3. The post-Sabathia rotation is grimace-inducing: a hobbled Pettitte, a worn out Hughes, and whoever of the Burnett/Vazquez terrible two Girardi happens to pick out of a hat.

The only hope comes from the fact that the Yanks face their favorite whipping boys in the first round: the Minnesota Twins. So maybe they win the first round. They'd better hope Tropicana Field explodes on itself if they're to have any hope against the Rangers or Rays in the next round.

No, our only hope is another centaur like performance from Yankees legend Alex Rodriguez. The only problem? No Kate Hudson in the stands this year. The Yankees good luck charm is gone after A-Rod dumped her in favor of Cameron Diaz' four Teen Choice Award nominations. As much as the news crushed all Yankees fans, a man can watch "How to Lose a Guy in 10 Days" so many times.

Will Diaz' presence in Yankee Stadium cause controversy after season ticket holders sitting behind her complain of obstructed vision?